listen to: "through heaven's eyes" on prince of egypt soundtrack

the other day i was discussing with a friend about what "worth of a woman" means. it's not the 1950's anymore...my worth as a woman should not be based upon my cooking skills, my ability to sew, my decorating talents, my ability to take care of children...basically my skills as a homemaker. and the fact that this idea was brought up with a couple of men i was chatting with...i feel it's something worth pondering.

how does one measure worth?

Hmm...

know what i hate?
pet names.
when i hear someone calling someone "baby"...it just makes me gag. and if YOU ever call me hun, sweetie, darlin, babe, baby...it annoys the hell outta me. NEVER can you say any pet name/term of endearment without it catching my attention for a long-ass time. "hey babe, mnaa mnaaa mnaaaa mnaaaa *hill is thinking too hard about how you just called her babe* mnaa the lawnchair?" yeah...not a good idea. EVER. i can deal with some names...ones that are funny...or some that are unique/original. nick names are ok too...but...UGH to babe etc.

so why is this?
hmm... lets think of pet names i have from my family. none from mom... and dad calls me punkin. grandpa used to call me doll....other than that...nope. that's it. punkin and doll. right. so i didn't grow up with them. so FUCK YOU to all of you who CALL ME things like that because you ALREADY KNOW i hate them.

my name is HILLARY, damnit.


oh...and one other thing...speaking of "baby." i had this dream...where i was at an airport and i was trying to sneak a knife in past security check points, but then i lost my boarding pass, and missed the plane b/c they wouldn't let me on. and they wouldn't let me get another plane b/c i might have given someone else my boarding pass...or something... and then someone caught me wiht my knife. and the airlines person asked me my destination, and i didn't even know where i was supposed to be flying. and i was so frustrated. and so confused. and so upset that in my dream i started crying and i was calling my dad telling him i didn't know where i was or where i was going but that i missed my flight....etc...and i woke up really upset. and i went to class still kinda shaken up.

then later today, i got an email from my dad confirming the times of departure and arrival for the airlines for the next time i go home. i dunno... is this a bad sign?

Hmm...

Professor CHAOS. HAHAHAHHAHA.

I have this strange urge to lick everything. I was going to say “uncontrollable urge”…but obviously I can control it. Have I licked you? … well except for you, you, and you, and… well…. No. No I haven’t licked you. So ha.

No but really. I was looking at some chick’s shoes…and I wanted to lick them. Like…just run over to her…get on my knees and lick her shoes.

It’s like I’m a baby…and I want to put everything in my mouth…*ahem* … well not everything.

It used to be a defense mechanism…like if someone were to cover my mouth with his/her hand, I’d just lick it (ew, I know), and they’d be like AHHH and take their hand off. Or if they got near me and I didn’t want them too, I’d just stick my tongue out…well…at an all girls’ straight school, that works…and they get away. But here…where I hang out with guys more often than girls (or used to), the whole licking thing…doesn’t exactly get rid of the guys… in fact it had the exact opposite reaction… Hmm…

In class the other day…there was this spider was hanging from the ceiling. And I thought it would be great if I just stood up in the middle of class, walked over to where the spider was, took my pen and cut the web/string the spider was hanging from, wrap it around the pen so that the spider was attached, and then I’d just toss my pen at the chick in the row in front of me. Everyone would probably stop what they were doing and stare at me wondering what the fuck that blonde chick was doing just standing up walking around and tossing pen caps at hot chicks. Then the hot chick would probably scream b/c she would realize she had a spider in her hair/on her lap/crawling all over her boobs. Muahhaha.

Oddly enough, I didn’t want to lick the spider.

Hmm…

so i'm sitting here and i keep feeling a breeze on the back of my neck. after a while i realize...wait...i closed the window. what is this? some sort of...wind in my room? i turn around... OOOH yeah... i accidentally left the fan on oscillate. then i notice my dresser... a kaleidoscope on my dresser rolls every time the fan blows on it...and then rolls back when the fan faces away. its as if the kaleidoscope is rocking back and forth. back and forth. almost calming to watch. and i start to think about... cause and effect. for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction.

don't you forget that.

Hmm...

oh the joys of doing laundry for free.
i think i exercised this privilege tooo much over the break. i did my laundry almost every day.
hillary was a happy girl.

Hmm...

in my room and all ALONE i am a different person.
i think about how the world can be so wonderful and so horrible.
i think about how people are so wonderful and so horrible.
about how i strive to be good...but end up so horrible.
self improvement - my ass.
no one knows, though.
i say i don't recognize my own weaknesses...it's a weakness in itself...
but i do know many. i am me. i would know.
others might know some...and i might KNOW them...but others can put them into terms so that i can actually come to grips with them.
all of this...in my room.
it's weird how everywhere else i'm so happy and bouncy.
but here.
i am this.

i am so guarded. attatchement is a scary thing. it only ends up in pain. i am attached to very few people. VERY few. and those few people can hurt me BADLY if they chose to. but i am attached to them...because i trust them... b/c i think i KNOW they won't hurt me too badly.

Hmm...

my biggest problem: i have no priorities.

no priority to god, to family, to friends, to school, to food, to exercise, to reading, to socializing...

i mean...i don't care about going to church...i don't remember to pray...i don't go to classes...i dont' study...i rarely exercise... sometimes i eat too much...sometimes i don't eat enough... when it comes to friends...i don't keep in touch with the ones i should... i get fed up with some... i try to ignore others... i'm a crappy friend... though i love my family...i don't take the time of day to call them... to write them letters... i didn't even go to my own grandfather's funeral.

where do my priorities lie?

what are my passions?
sleep.... and music. and even with music - i used to play piano, but i stopped caring. so i just listen to music...and even that bores me now.

this isn't a passion, but i show up to work all the time...so i guess that's somewhat of a priority...but i don't take it to heart.

an interest of mine is self-improvement - but even that... i'm not doing well at.

how about you? what are your priorities? your passions?

and... about my grandpa... i keep thinking about him. i didn't ever really think about him much. i wasn't very close to him. i've actually been scared of him most my life. and recently, i've been remembering him at so many different times. even my brother, who also did not go to the funeral and who was also not all that close to him, thinks about him a lot now - more than usual. what does it mean? i know i felt guilty for not going, but at the time, it felt like the right decision b/c so many things were going on in my life... just one more added stress was driving me up the wall.

why must i be so unmotivated, so de-prioritized, so passionless?
what kind of person does this make me?

Hmm...

I got a note from my grandma who lives in a retirement home. she wrote me an interesting convo she had with a lady who also lives there.

*A wheelchair patient named Esther just wheeled herself into grandma's room*
Esther: you've got my teeth and i want them right now!
Grandma: i'm sorry - i don't have any extra teeth.
Esther: Well then i'm taking anything in your room that i want beacuse i've got a charge account!
Grandma: *pause* okay...take my big blue stuffed chair (It weighs 300 lbs)
Esther: I'll be after it tomorrow, just charge it to my account
Gdma: ok. it's a deal.
Esther: you are so bad--you treat me like dirt -- i wouldn't treat a dog that bad.
Gdma: well take this *hands her a box of Kleenex*
Esther: *takes box* *blows nose in Kleenex* *gives grandma dirty Kleenex* *wheels herself out with box*

How bizzarre. ...how horrible it must be to live there. i mean, grandma might be difficult to take care of, but she's all there in the mind. It must be ... depressing...frustrating...to be around a bunch of people who...aren't all *there*. :o(



On a...happy note. here are some "stupid jokes" that i thought were funny ( grandma sent them to me... she even labeled them "stupid jokes" )

Q: What do you call a pig who does karate?
A: A Pork Chop

A seven year old boy came home form school and said to his mother, "i know how to make babies!" The mother gasped a little and said "how?" The boy replied " you change the Y to an I and add ES." (baby --> babies)


ok. those are the two out of the lot that i decided to share. hehe.

Hmm...

so i'm seeing everyone coming back from spring break... walking to their dorms from the parking lot... no one with a happy face. all frowns... sunburns... and different hair styles.

oh the joys and woes of spring break.

Hmm...

alright. you know what i hate? telemarketers. i get SO MANY DAMN PHONE CALLS ALL DAY LONG from those people. i usu say "no not here" and then hang up. but...that doesn't get you anywhere...so today i decided to try another tactic - an active approach - to ask them to PLEASE take us off their calling list. that way they'll never call again. we get about 6 of those damn phone calls a day here at home. thought 6 doesn't sound like much...just experience it...and you'll know. kinda like 10 seconds isn't a long time..but if you just sit there in silence...waiting ... waiting... waiting...for 10 seconds...its a damn long time. same idea.

and on top of the telemarketers...there are personal calls... usu my brothers friends call every 10 minutes till he comes home. i tell his friends "he is not home. i will tell him you called when he gets home." but i guess they think i'm stupid, forgetful, or irresponsible...just like they are... b/c they have to call back every 10 mins JUST TO MAKE SURE. damnit.

i have decided...america is a slave to the phone. the phone rings, you answer it. only rarely do we not answer the phone. either 1) we're in a fight and we just hung up on them...and they call back and we're like.. nope. i'm not gunna answer you selfish bastard 2) we're sleeping so deeply we don't hear it 3) or we're not HOME. its almost...well i'd say instinct...but i know its not...but...more of a...conditioning... you hear the ring, you salivate... i mean...you answer the phone. have you ever stopped to think...you don't HAVE to answer the phone!? you don't HAVE TO.

when i don't answer the phone...when i just sit there, listen to the ring, don't get up, don't answer it... my family gets mad at me. there are 6 of us for christs sake! its not all up to me!! shiiiit. i say we all need to exercise this NOT answering the phone business. don't answer the damn phone if you don't feel like it. don't be a slave to the phone. don't be a slave to technology. don't be a damned slave EVER.

on that note.... i'm not a slave to this computer. but it is my outlet. its more of a tool --- i'm not a slave. so fuck you for thinking that. and if you WEREN'T thinking that.... then start to think critically. i don't do that enough.

Hmm...

you know what's amusing but really shouldn't be? going to a club and being blatenly rude/sarcastic to every guy that initiates convo, tries to dance, or even glances in your direction at a club. you just stare at guys, and they walk up to you, and you ignore them. or some dude tries to dance with you...and you stop and walk away. or a guy asks you to dance so you just look at him and say "eh no" and walk away. or you're sitting down and a guy sits next to you and is all getting his hey-hey-hey on...and you actually talk to this guy (he's HOT) but you make minimal and sarcastic conversation. then you ignore him. and get up and wave bye to him. *note to self. when you walk around a club alone... or sit down alone... and you're a GIRL...you're sure to get a guy talking to you. and this way you can be SURE you'll get your chance to shoot a guy down.* or whenever someone is talking to you -- PRETEND you don't even notice b/c its too loud. or when a guy is being stupidly drunk -- repeat everything he says mockingly. if he screams WAHOOOO. then you shout louder WAHOOOOO!! or when a guy pulls those cheesy lines out...don't be afraid to roll your eyes at him to his face. "hey pretty lady...what's your name?" *rolls eyes* "mildred. what's yours?" or when you see those really old guys that go to clubs to check out all the underage hotties...and they're checking YOU out... give him a look of disgust... then go and shake your ass. always shake your ass.

i'm mean b/c...why not? i mean...they're not gunna sleep with me... so might as well let them know they're wasting their time... oh, wait..you want to know me as a PERSON? hahahahhah. that's a laugh. so back to...being mean and shakin my assssss.

Hmm...

my bro pointed something out to me... i have issues with age. and indeed...i do. not so much when someone is within a year of my age. Like, when someone's much older than i am...i'm like WOAH your'e old! or... if you're ... two years younger than i am.... well.... ok...normally 2 years isn't that much..but 2 years younger is in high school(and...wouldn't be "legal")... the jump from high school to college is a big one. just as the jump from middle school to high school is a big one. -- or even jump from being a freshman college student to just an UNDERGRAD.... up until we're full-fledged adults...age is gunna be a big thing for me. so sorry. the reason my bro brings this up is b/c he had friends over... and one dude is a freshman...in HIGH SCHOOL...and another dude is a junior...in COLLEGE...and...to think... wow i'm 6 years older than one of these guys. i SHOULDN'T BE OLDER THAN ANYONE. ok. so its not that big of a deal... ok...another example...

i'm at a ... party... a "college party". there are these two "high school" girls who are CLEARLY younger than everyone there... they have very baby faces...underdeveloped bodies... they seem kinda ... not totally all into the college scene.... and theyr'e there with these college guys. NOW, is there NOT a problem with a 16 year old comes to "visit" *ahem* a 20 year old? (can someone say...STATUTORY RAPE?!) i mean...i'm sitting with these girls like...yup... hi. but i was thinking MAN if my younger sister were to EVER come to a college party to "visit" some guy...i'd tear into him like nobody's business. like fuck him up so badly --- he'd never wanna look at a high schooler again. my bro agreed that he'd like to do the same. so...there's a difference between HIGH SCHOOLERS fucking each other, college kids fucking each other...and the the whole... statutory high school/college thing. ---

so as i was saying... there's a big jump between high school and college. college and the rest of life. yes. hang out with people. hang out with everyone of all ages. i respect you all. just b/c your'e 6 years younger...or 10 years older. it's all good. just don't get all messed up in shtuff that shouldn't be meddled with. realize there are different maturity levels. find someone with a maturity level that you can handle...and that is legal to "handle" if that's the type "handling" you're doing. and all is well.

Hmm...

listen to: "like a stone" by audioslave

i am not feeling particularly inspired.

the zoo is magical. there's something about it. its a great place to observe the human scene... you see parents and children... aunts and uncles and children...teachers and children. boyfriends and girlfriends holding hands... but mainly... the zoo focuses on children. and i realize, what emphasis we put on our children. and its a good thing... "children are the future"... so i have heard millions of times during this pre-iraq war....

you know what's adorable? little girls in pigtails. i mean...those little babies...whose pigtails are like... i dunno.. 2.5 inches long. like --- the pigtails just stick RIGHT UP IN THE AIR. its soooo cuuuute. and when they have really big pouty eyes..and pouty lips... and ... just... they stare and stare...and you're like AWWW PIGTAILS! and then they get older and hate pigtails and will never wear them again ever...and then they hate you and the world and go and ruin their lives by various means.

Hmm...

listen to: "bring me to life" by evanescence

it's always funny...to test out "bad words" on my dad... like...if i don't know if a word is appropriate...i just use it around my dad and see his reaction. example...well.. HOLY FREEGIN GEEZ DFW is a huge airport! i guess it might not be THAT huge...but it was all...complicated...and their building shit onto it..and just wow...i didn't get lost or anything...but... ah. so... i was describing dfw airport ... i said "wow. that place is a hellhole." *pause* *glance at dad* *dad smiled but didn't glare. so "hellhole" is an "alright word" to use around him*
that is how the process works. if i say "AHH what a pric!" i get the *glare* hm... so pric isn't a good word to use... and neither is crap.

oh right. dad is one of those guys who never cusses. my mom said she heard my dad say one "curse word" the whole time she's known him... he said "damn" ONCE... when they were dating...and he was working on his car.
so...where did i get my "potty mouth" from?

mom.

and as for airports and traveling... for some strange reason...i'm super worried about my family going to california for spring break. i'm like OH GOD...please be ok. please please please. i'm usu never worried about shtuff like this...so... i dunno. motherly instincts taken over? god, i hope not.


one other thing about family...
so i was talking to my sister yesterday... she said "oh, and hill, i read your ONLINE diary. yup. i read it. the whole thing. even the part about your feet." ok guys...i know its weird to talk about FEET. but just deal with it. i felt like doing it. i was in one of those moods. so shut up. :op

NOTE: don't watch a live colonoscopy when you're eating...unless you like to look at shit while you're eating... mmm shit.

Hmm...

you know when you lose all faith and or trust in something or someone?
yeah. ouch.
how about if you lose faith in yourself?
then what?

Quotations I'd like to share (thanks linda):

"Sometimes when you hold out for everything, you walk away with nothing."
- Angela from "Ally Mc."

"When we remember that we are mad, the mysteries disapper, and life stands explained."
- Mark Twain


So who wants to live in an explained life of nothing? *don't be mad. don't be mad. don't be mad.*
holding out is a good thing...right? it goes along with NOT settling. But how do you know if thats as good as it gets?

Hmm...

i had a chicken salad sandwhich for lunch today!
some dude in my math class handed me my quiz... i don't even know him... apprently he knows who i am... kinda a cool feeling...
i did well on my quizzes and test that i got back today.

some dude told me i had an annoying voice this morning... 3 times.
and i was told to shut up... more than 3 times.
i have a big thing about voices....
me and voices...wow... there's just something about them... you have a good voice...it does wonders for you... so having someone tell me i have an annoying voice... it's like someone telling me "you're ugly and fat." it's very...OUCH... omg... *curl up in ball and cry*.... but i didn't.... i just thought...well fuck that...i'm gunna talk if i want to... otherwise i'd just sit here and stare......for 2.5 hours... yeah..no... i'm gunna CONVERSE with my annoying VOICE, you piece of shit. but i did get kinda teary-eyed.
(then again...i'm sligthy emotionally...unstable right now. i'm delicate.)
don't ever tell me i have an annoying voice.
ever
and if i do... just don't talk to me for that day...
and if you have to be around me...
just don't talk at all
and ignore me when i speak to you...
then i'll think you're in a bad mood, and i'll try to steer clear. it's just the best way to go.

:o(

Hmm...

strange how moods can change so quickly.
last night before i went to bed, i was making a list of all the things i hate in the world... and it was a damn good list too. i almost thought about getting outta bed just to list them all for you...but i decided i'd rather sleep. problem is, when i woke up the next morning/afternoon/evening (5:30 PM, baby!) i was in a very GOOD mood. i love the world today. yes, even YOU! and if i made my list of HATES then i'd become bitter again....
so here's what i'm going to do...
list of hates...
then list of happies...

i hate:
(realize these may or may not apply to me...
and some of these things are actually "good"... but it's possible to hate them sometimes...)
--------
lying
deceit
being fake
not taking responsiblity
not being responsible
age
wisdom
knowing how naive i used to be
realizing that i am still sooo naive
getting fat
depression
bringing others down WITH your depression
failing
failing socially
failing academically
failing at your job
failing as a parent
failing as a child
failing as a friend
failing to take care of yourself
not being able to motivate myself
not being able to motivate others
not having good sleep patterns
sleeping too much
not sleeping enough
eating too much
being hungry
being thirsty
being sick
being fickle
not being consistant
hurting others
slurring
mumbling
cursing
violence
knowing that i am violent
fear
uncertainty
having no direction
feeling the need to escape
not knowing how to escape
blame
runny noses
bad smells
not knowing how to feel good
just not knowing
double standards
bigotry
racism
sexism
agism
super optimism
super pessimism
plagerism
drunk driving
murder
rape
rape
and rape
innocence
loss of innocence
not being able to see my younger siblings grow up
frustration
having no determination
having nothing good to say
how the truth sometimes hurts
how clothes are so expensive
how i have holes in my clothes
how i don't know how to dress
history
and "the significance of" questions
being hung over
being dehydrated
chapped lips
dry skin
not being able to cry
being uncomfortable
std's
standing people up
being stood up
bad haircuts
split ends
dead ends
having no way to turn
having no way out
confusion
ditzes
and most of all...
hate



list of happies... (now that i'm bitter)...
i like/love:
--------
my family
my friends
esp bestest friends
acquantainces
music
knowing how to play the piano kinda
knowing how to swim
knowing exercise is my outlet
knowing that i don't have to care
that i don't have to give a flying FUCK
but that i usually do
that i am appreciated
that i appreciate others
compliments
coffee time!!!
ice cream with my girls
the zoo
summer
beautiful spring weather
green
green trees
michigan
trampolines
flowers
cute boys!
jackass guys...b/c they make life interesting.
(and justin miller)
laughter
smiles
happiness
thought-provoking conversations
as much as i might hate it usually... school - b/c education is awesome
nice cold fresh water
ice cubes
good food
chicken salad sandwiches
romantic, picture-perfect dates
boy toys
sweet dreams
get well cards
losing my voice so that it gets manly deep
knowing that you have the best time just sitting there with your best friend in silence
happy crying
smiley faces
sweet smells
smart people
intelligent people
wise people
burping
BABIES
dorks
cordy!
people who can sing
plays
the symphony
little sisters
loving brothers
hot friends
family friends
community
helping others
gum
home sweet home
having a good sense of direction
chocolate!
cool gizmo gadgets
fruit
disney movies
traffic... b/c you can sit there and practice patience...
PATIENCE
having a loud voice
knowing i have my whole life to live
believing in god
people who have a strong faith
good morals
dancing!
control
glaring
fluttering eyelids
soft hair
nice arms
random things
being random
quarters!
clean clothes
warm sheets JUST out of the dryer
soft blankies
when i used to suck my thumb
my teddy
birthdays
birthday cake/cookies
presents
turning points in life
adaptation
moving on
to like
to be liked
to love
to be loved





Hmm....

spring break is coming up. and i have no plans. i keep thinking... wow i really just need a break - from everything and everyone. like...i don't feel appreciated ... at all... ever. like the whole world hates me... or the whole world really just can't stand me. then again, what do i do to be appreciated? yeah...probably nothing. so i think i'd like to run away and be away from everything. escape! its what i do every weekend anyway... "escape." having a life that revolves around escaping can't be healthy, right?

on an unrelated note:
If i were a man, i'd be a 5-minute man. that seems like the best way to go. get it done. then droop. no shenanigans.

...

good thing i'm not a guy, huh?

Hmm...

OH OH! One word for you....

Apathy.

my attitude towards life.

Hmm...

i am by no means old... in fact i am usually considered a youngin'...
however...in my physics class...i just figured out that one of the really smart chicks in my class is fucking 16!!!! HOLY FUCKING CRAP!!! what is this world coming to? i thought she looked young...but then again...so do i...looks can be deceiving. holy crap - i was still growing at age 16... was a friggin soph/jr in high school. why is she in college? and why is she smarter than i am? she's actually pretty cool, though... most may find her annoying...but she's one of those assertive women (girls)... always on her toes...knows what she's talking about always...i wish i could be like that... so i respect that. ... hmm... i hate physics class.... hmmm.... i think i hate most my classes. BUT YAY for math!! its my saving grace... as long as i have math... i am at peace.

you know what i hate...when a friend hurts --- is in pain...emotionally...and she won't say why! if i'm your bestest friend... then... why don't i know? WHY? whoever did this to you..i will BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF!!! or i'll just curse him under my breath... either way... COME ON!! :o(

Do you guys believe in the power of prayer? do you even believe in prayer? either way...do you ever pray? That's something i haven't been doing recently... and i think it's showing...

Hmm...

Have you noticed everyone wears those navy blue shirts that say "COLLEGE" in white college font... just like on animal house? i mean...they're badass shirts...but everyone WEARS THEM. AHHH!

I'm in a strangely optimistic mood today---I'm not a MAN-HATER (for now).

So i recieved a nice compliment recently... my friend said i am "complicated" and "hard to figure out" (you know who you are). WAHOOO last i heard from everyone i know i'm easy to read - easy to figure out. my friend says nah...they're just not trying hard enough. heheh. i mean.... i'm sorry for possibly being complicated.... but its nice to know i have "layers" ... everyone likes parfaits.... ;o)

speaking of man-haters....i really want to start attending these feminist majority meetings... perhaps these strong-willed women will influence me (for the better) so that i won't be such a damn pushover.

self improvement...
1) don't hit boy on forehead with book when he's just trying to make conversation...it might scare him...
2) don't be too much of a bitch
3) don't tolerate assholes
4) don't settle on things that are important to you!

Hmm...

i don't like stalker girls.
or ugly stalker boys either.
...cute stalker boys are ok.

Hmm...

listen to "superman" by eminem

A million thoughts RACING through my head…
Most not happy…
Anger…frustration…*click* the little light bulb in my head finally turns on. WOW…things make so much sense to me now… just gotta start being bitchy – start being aggressive…assertive. Kinda like HEY FUCK YOU! If you screw me over…then YOU WILL PAY. Well…no… you’re not going to pay…I’m just never going to talk to you again, bitch…. Oh nooo….how horrible…never going to TALK TO ME AGAIN?!?! What a threat…um…right no…. it’s all about protection of self, man…

I hate being tired.

I like to listen to pissed off music b/c then I get pissed off and think clearly.

Hmm…

Oh. So. Update... not depressed...just not happy.
But i'm OK. Because life amuses me...
Well... life always amuses me. Perhaps that is why I laugh so much... HAHAHAH YOURE FUCKING FUNNY!... FUNNY LOOKING...and all that. yup. yup.

dunno.


Hmm...

SO…I thought back to the time when I was my happiest…you all should think back to the time when you were happiest…
Hmm…

listen to: "a sorta fairytale" by tori amos

K guys…
I have come to the realization that…
I have the ugliest feet EVER.

Girls are supposed to have cute feet, right? They’re not supposed to be all gross, vein-y, hairy, and… I dunno…how are guy’s feet? Well…so, for one) I have a huge space between my big toe…and the next toe. It looks like I’m supposed to have a 6th toe there. Like…a big gap… the missing toe – opposable toes. Some chick made a comment once “wow, if you procreated with a man with feet JUST LIKE YOURS, we will have found the missing link.” Yay for the monkey toes. But if that’s not enough… (2) I’ve had many people comment on how freakishly long my toes are…hmm.

Oh, and when I was little…I hated shoes – I walked EVERYWHERE barefoot… so like… I swear I must’ve gotten frostbite in that horribly cold Houston weather…because (3) I can’t feel my damn feet…I can walk on almost anything… can’t feel it. Can’t feel the cold weather…like my nerves are damaged. Yes, its partially because I (4) have super-ly thick calluses on my feet. Yes, I know everyone has them. But mine are super-ly thick. And… oh right…I guess since I still kinda go everywhere in flip-flops, regardless of the weather… my feet are really…(5) dry… and cracked… like… they look white in some places from all the lovely dead skin from the calluses…. AND my feet are all (6) discolored from all the dirt that I’ve ground in there from all these years from running around barefoot. They have a yellowish tint.

I mean, don’t get me wrong – I love the fact that I can walk on anything and I can’t feel my feet. I love the fact that I can pick things up with my “opposable toes” (kinda). I love the fact that my feet aren’t hairy…but I like the fact that they are vein-y. I LIKE MY FEET DAMNIT.

Feet are so weird anyway. They smell.
You put your feet together…they look like … alien … things. *weird music in background*. Or wait, maybe that’s just me and my freakishly long toes…


ONE other thing…
I hate leaky faucets.
I want to kill them.

Hmm…

Dreams are weird things…
have you ever had a dream where you were mad at someone – and you wake up mad at them still?

OR… if you have a dream where some chick is chewing you out and threatens you with a butter knife… are you afraid of butter knives after that? --- even after you tell the dumb bitch in your dream that you can’t do much with a butter knife. I mean…I’m sure a navy seal could…but not dumbass bimbos without any strength or common sense at all… so lets just say… I’ve been scared for my life for a couple days now…

Journals help me to center myself… and allow me to rethink situations…

So do strange dreams…

How about those dreams where in them, someone’s in trouble…or the dream is all like “oh no…you need to call Richard”… it freaks you out, man. I mean --- when I wake up, I’m sure as hell gong to call Richard. Man, are you alright? Yeah…why… oh. I dunno. I had this dream….

Yeah ok.

Reminds me of stalking… ahem.

My roommate and I were talking about how being a woman automatically makes you weak. And it’s sad – but it's true. Socially, it is true….
So a whiiile ago…perhaps last semester, I wrote this…

“I realize that I associate “feminine” with weak. Perhaps it is b/c society says it is so. Maybe it’s the fact that women really are annoying. Maybe, masculine is defined as someone you can take seriously… and most women, I can't.
Can I even take myself seriously?
What does it mean to take life “too seriously”?

“To be VERY feminine is a weakness. To be feminine, if you are in fact a woman, isn’t bad – in fact, it has a sense of power – you hold something that men want. You are in power. You are in control of them.

“Ok. Weakness. When a woman … ok… no… If a woman…wants a boy who does not want her except for play and he TELLS her this. And she refuses to believe. And lets her emotions get toyed with again and again. And blames him FOR HER OWN WEAKNESS…. This is WEAK…why do women do this? WHY?!

“THIS is your problem. If you do not fix the obvious….then I shall not hear of it anymore. You are weak. Stop being weak.

“I see the weakness in others. But I do not see the weakness in myself. But the weakness lies in the fact that I have never given anyone a chance. So I cannot be weak and let my emotions get the better of me b/c I have never given them. So who am I to judge. Well…k…so I can judge. But. I do not know first hand. Things are so much more easily said than done.”

Hmm…